Monday, November 29, 2010
Everything was still clear to me. The memory kept on repeating on my head as I looked at the screen of my mobile phone. It was like everything is happening again.
That morning, I was awakened by the vibration of my mobile phone placed just beside my bed. I tried to open my eyes as I looked at the screen of my phone.
1 message received
Meeting Enzo was nothing different from meeting Alvin. I know Enzo was a thing of the past, but I can't help but compare the two guys.
Enzo never really became my boyfriend. Yes, boyfriend. Ever since I was in freshmen high school, I sort of know I'm quite different than my male peers. Well, I don't know but during that time, most of them are already talking about how beautiful our music teacher was, or how they admire the other girls from the other section.
In short, most of their discussions revolved around girls. I felt different because unlike them, I'm not that interested in women. Well, I did find some really attractive, but not to the point that I will really fantasize about them. I just keep it to myself, and acted as if I'm one of the guys.
Technically, I still am a guy. I even remembered before that I tried courting this girl named Angie by giving her chocolates and making her laugh.
It was really such a happy feeling knowing that you are caring for someone and someone is treating you special. But nothing lasts long forever. I heard from her cousin (which was one of my classmates) that Angie said some negative things about me which really ticked me off.
I tried confronting her to know if it's true, and to my disappointment, she didn't deny it. After that incident. my attraction towards girls dwindled even more.
Well, anyway, there, so as of the moment, I may say I'm queer, but in terms of labels, I can't really be sure. I'm not totally out or something, but I'm fairly sure that some people even my parents already felt that I'm not the son who could give them lots of grandchildren.
I actually been struggling for years now as to what my identity truly is, but as what my former professor said, "sexuality is fluid". You might be straight now, but gay later. After hearing that very memorable lecture, I've decided not to label myself as bi, gay, straight. I am a guy who loves and wanted to be loved. That's what I am and that's how I explain myself. This is the reason why I'm not fond of labels. But then again, for the purposes of labeling myself, I'm what you may call a 'discreet bisexual'. My interest in girls didn't totally go off after the Angie incident, but it totally affected my interest in them.
1 message received
The light on the screen already went out. I opened the message and read it.
Good morning sunshine! Wake up! It's a brand new day! I miss you! Mwah! :)
I looked at the message and I can't help but smile. I was smiling like a mad man when my mother entered my room to get something. She noticed my rather peculiar big smile so she asked why, but I just said it's nothing. It's actually far from nothing.
I quickly replied to Alvin.
Good morning! Aww, I missed you too! :) Have you eaten your breakfast already? Hugs! :)
I pressed send and my smile faded. Again, I was worried. I know Alvin is such a nice person but we've just met a few days ago and now we are being too sweet with each other. He said he considered me as a special friend, but a lot of questions started popping into my head.
How special am I to him? Does he really mean it? What if I'm not the person he expects me to be? What if he doesn't really like me? What if he is just pulling my leg? What if...
A lot of what ifs. This was also the same feeling I felt before with Enzo. Everything was so perfect. But due to my immaturity, I lost someone who could've shared with me something more intimate. Something more special than special, whatever that is.
Honestly, I haven't really met Alvin yet. In person that is. We chatted and have seen each other through the webcam and we've been texting ever since, but that's all there is to it. He is what you may call a cyber-friend. Since he lives in Pampanga and I live in Bulacan, it's quite difficult for us to actually meet.
As of the moment, I am working in a bank and he is taking his Master's degree as a nurse in a known hospital in their place. Our schedules don't really jive and if we want to meet, we really need to plan for it. And it's going to really be a painstaking planning, I must admit.
Enzo was also the same case before as Alvin, but the difference back then was that I am about to enter college and Enzo is just about to graduate from high school.
Yes, I'm older than him, but that doesn't remove the fact that we both were sharing something special even if we really didn't turn into real lovers. Remembering those times we were together made me feel sad.
I remembered that when I was already somewhat settled in my college, Enzo told me that he took the entrance exam in my university. I was thrilled by the idea of him finally going to college, and the mere fact that we'll both be going to the same school even made me happier.
I was continuously following and updating him whether the results are out or not. And when the right time came, I was really excited and hopeful to see his name on the list of passers.
I quickly squeezed into the huge crowd of hopefuls trying to search for their names and I also started looking for Enzo's. When I saw the place where his name should've been, I wasn't able to find it.
I looked at the list again and again wishing that the name might've been placed in the wrong location, but the list was in alphabetical order. No way can there be a misplacement. I was a bit hesitant to tell Enzo the result for even I felt bad already.
Not only did he lost his chance to enter the renowned university but we both lost our chance to be together. I don't know if it's fate trying to pull as away from each other, but no matter what the cause is, it seemed like it's a premonition for what could happen in the future.
Well, eventually, I mustered the courage to call him and tell him about the exam's results. He said that he already knew about it and I sensed the disappointment in his voice. I tried to console him even if I myself was also about to breakdown.
Well, Enzo actually have other schools where he could enroll, but we both know that it would've been best for him to be in the university, not only because of the quality of education, but also because we could be together. Again, that insane desire to be together made me feel worse than him not passing the exam.
An idea crossed my mind and I told him that I'll try to do something about it. I was actually unsure what I'll do that time, but since I badly really want him to enter the university, I gave him hope that he might actually be allowed to enroll.
The next morning, I went to the Admissions Office, and talked with the personnel there.
Apparently, I found out that Enzo was actually able to pass the exam although in his chosen courses, he was put in the waiting list. Hearing this made my heart flutter . I feel like my hopes had gone up as I inquire about the possibility of a waitlister being able to enter the university. The person said that it's possible. The student just need to coordinate with their office.
As soon as I heard that, I immediately called Enzo and told him about the good news. I was expecting him to be excited and eager to talk to the Admissions Office but I was wrong.
"Oh. thank you Mark for the effort. Apparently, I won't anymore push through with the application..." He said flatly.
I was a little bewildered and disappointed with the way he reacted. I was all happy and gay after finally knowing that there is a chance we might finally be together for 4 years or more, but all that turned to sadness and confusion after hearing Enzo's response.
"Why? Enzo? Please tell me. I know we both waited for this chance, and now that opportunity is already knocking on your door, are you going to just let it slip away?"
"I know Mark, believe me, I know. But I'm tired. I'm tired of all these trying to always run for the things that I want in life. I'm tired of being a replacement, an option, a choice."
I got even more confused with the way he was acting up. I really am quite angry at how he looked so low on himself. But I kept my calm and continued speaking to him.
"It's not like that Enzo, please hear me out. You are not just an option. Like what I've told you, you were able to pass the exam, it's just that you might probably fit more..."
"There! You said it! What? That I don't fit in the course which I dreamt of ever since I was a kid? That I'm not good enough for it?" Enzo shouted like there's no tomorrow.
I was on the verge of crying trying to console him, but he just ended the call just like that. Then, tears started rolling down my cheeks as I stared on my phone. I didn't care whether people stare at me as I let my feelings out. That day was such a roller coaster of emotions. "Enzo... Why?"
That night, I fell asleep while crying without even eating dinner. I fell asleep while holding something. On my right hand was my phone waiting for his calls or reply, and on the other was a picture. A picture of the guy who used to make me smile and laugh. And the same guy who also brought tears to my eyes and who had just broken my heart.