Friday, December 31, 2010

Act 14: Denial


Sure. Let's meet at our usual spot on the second floor during lunch. See you mein schatz.

From: Danny

It's been a week already since Danny confessed her feelings for me. And even if nothing totally changed between us, you'll still know that something is awkward.

We seldom talk after the letter confession and even if we are in the same classes most of the time, she would sit far from me (which is not the case pre-confession). I guess she is avoiding me. Or maybe she still is not yet ready for my answer.

Well, I'm also not ready to talk about it, but this whole avoidance thing is really bothering me. I'm not sure if she's angry for not being able to respond to it immediately, or it was something else. That's why I decided to finally contact here and tell her if we could meet. I know I'm not yet ready to really talk to her but the more I prolong the situation, the more I'm bothered by it.

After my second class for the day, I looked at my watch and it was already 11:55pm. I went straight to our college building and took the stairs to second floor.

As usual, the second floor is deserted. Well, it was actually the faculty floor were all professors stay, but there are also some rooms here that are dedicated for special classes and for graduate studies classes.

I went to the right wing of the floor since this is where the benches for students are located. This has been our usual meeting place whenever we want to talk about something serious or if we want a quiet place to study.

Danny was still not there when I arrived since all of the benches are empty. I sat in one of those near to the stairs and settled down.

I opened my bag and saw something that caught my attention. It was Danny's letter. I tried unfolding it and read it again.

I know you kept on asking before who the hell "obvious guy" was. All these years I've never given you a straight answer, thinking that you probably know who the guy was. I know you are not that insensitive enough not to know, or even notice. But to at least give you the confirmation. Yes, that guy was you. It has always been you all those time. I know you're just playing innocent when you keep on prodding who the guys was, knowing how narcissistic you are. I know you just want the pleasure of seeing me tell you that I like you. Well, I didn't give you that satisfaction, but now, I just can't help but tell you. The more I try to hide it from you, the more I can't control myself. I know I've been honest to you all along but it was just this feeling that I can't say to you directly since I know having a partner is not your priority right now. Still, I'm hoping that you at least have mutual feelings for me. Even if I didn't tell you directly, I made it sure that at least I could let you feel it. I could at least alleviate the pain that you are feeling esp. with your family. When I found out that we both came from a broken family, I don't know but I just felt that I have to take care of you. Sometimes, I even ask myself why you call me "Ate Danny" even if we both know that you are older than me, but I guess I'm also the same reason why you started calling me that. I love you mein schatz and even if you don't tell me, I know you felt it. I love you very much...
 
The same feelings returned as I read each word of her letter.

I heard footsteps from the stairs so I quickly folded the letter and placed it back inside my bag. I saw Danny coming and I waved at her. She tried to wave back as she carried her big shoulder bag.

I let her sat first and I smiled at her as she looked at me while putting her bag beside the bench. She tried to smile back but you'll feel the tension building. It was so quiet that time and we probably just heard Danny's deep breathing. She probably was tired since the building where she came from was still quite far from the place of our meeting.

"Hello! How are you? It's been quite awhile since we last talked." I said as I continue to look at her.

"Hi Mark. It's just I've been busy these past few days. Most of my reports and presentations are due on the same date so I need to really finish them. Sorry."

"It's okay, I understand. So how have you been?":

"I'm okay, just a little stressed, that's all. How about you?"

"Well, I guess I'm fine. Nothing special. Just the usual. Anyway, I missed you."

"Aww Mark, stop being so mushy." Danny laughed at my comment. I just continued to stare at her.

"Really, I do."

"Oh, ok. Well, I'm here now!" Danny said still smiling at me. I smiled back as I held her hand. I can't help but go directly to the reason why I wanted to see her.

"I wanted to see you and talk to you Danny. It's about the letter you gave me a week ago..."

Danny's smile disappeared and she diverted her look to the wall opposite us. It was as if she wanted to avoid the topic.

"I've read it all and I can't believe it. Danny... Why? I never thought you liked me... I never thought you loved me. I thought everything was going nicely between us as friends. You know how special you are to me, but you also know that I liked you only as a sister."


Danny, then, looked at me with those eyes that showed nothing but longing and sadness.

"I know Mark. But I can't help it. I can't help myself not to fall for you. You are the guy I've been dreaming of all this time. You are the materialization of the guy I would like to spend my life with. Sorry, but I can't help myself but fall. I still have that little bit of hope that you'll give me a chance. Don't you really feel anything for me? Don't you love me back?"

I just stared at her. I don't know what to say. A lot of questions still remained unanswered in my head and that was one of those questions that I don't know the answer. Do I love Danny? And if I do, do I love her more than as a friend and as a sister?

"Danny... You know I love you, but nothing more than a very special friend. Maybe even as a sister, but nothing more than that. Love is not my priority right now, and I will be lying to you if I would say what you wanted to hear from me. Sorry. But that's all I can give you..."

Danny remained quiet until I saw tears flowing down her cheeks. That was one of the most painful scene I've ever witnessed that time. I tried to wipe her tears but she stood up and left. I was left there sitting on the bench, alone and guilty.

I know Danny loved me sincerely. Everytime she would show affection, I would always think it was because I'm her friend. I kept on denying that what she's doing for me has always been because she cared for me as a friend. I never entertained the idea that she probably liked me more than as a friend.

Now, all those times of denial hit me right in front of my face, and they did hit me hard.

As I sat there on alone, I can't help but just let my emotions flow. I let my tears cascade down my cheeks and I didn't even care whether others would see me, or even if other people would talk about me and the whole crying scene. I just wanted to let it out.

I know I'm queer, and that's one reason why I probably didn't entertain Danny's feelings for me. I'm afraid and I'm confused. Even if I did feel the same for Danny, will I be able to stand up for it? Even if I do admit that I love her back, can I really prove it to her and more specially to myself despite the fact that I know I'm more inclined to loving the same sex rather than the opposite? 

All these questions kept on spinning in my head, and the only silent witness to the whole thing were the walls and benches of our usual spot, the right wing of second floor.

2 comments:

Grey said...

A pseudo-exboyfriend once told me that a girl really loves you if she won't turn away after you told her you're gay. Try it. It just might work :P

Marky said...

Hmm, well, I haven't tried doing so. But that made me think. I had a friend before who was bisexual but he has a girlfriend and she knew his sexual preference before they became a couple. Hmm, I guess it's just really a matter of acceptance. :)