Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Act 10: Love

One day, while I was sitting on a chair by my desk at the office, my mind started wondering. I know it took me quite some time to again do this, but I never expected to contemplate in such a very awkward place such as our office.

Well, I’ve been contemplating about my 23 years of existence, and I started to ask myself:

What have I achieved already in the past years? Have I done something worthwhile? Am I going to the same path which I’ve drawn years back after graduation? Am I living a life worth living?

A lot of questions flooded my mind as I closed my eyes and sighed. I know I don’t have the answers to all these questions, and even if I do, I won’t be sure if my answers are correct.

No one can truly say what the future will hold, but I can definitely contemplate on the past which have shaped my present and could possible affect my future.

Ok. I’ll be honest. I came from a broken family.

Sometimes, I would blame to this fact the reason why I’ve never really had a good relationship with Gian. Well, even with the other guys (and girl) that came my way. It’s not that I didn’t love them or anything, for God knows how much I did. But it was definitely due to the fact that I’ve been afraid to commit.

Everyday I ask myself why I was so afraid to have a relationship with someone. Was it because I’m scared that I’ll get hurt in the process, or was it because I was too coward to face the fact that I can’t still admit to the whole wide world my sexuality? Was I so afraid that even societal norms still kept on stopping me from shouting to the world that one thing which could liberate me? But as I try to answer the question, the more I get confused. Then I came to the point that I blame it to the fact that my parents didn’t have a great relationship with each other.

Well, it might partly be true because I am a little traumatized at the idea of how my mother was devastated after trying to fall in love.

I tried asking my mom one day how it all started, her relationship with my dad.

Although she hesitated a little in answering my question, she just took a deep breath and started telling me their unfortunate love story.

My mom had been living with my grandmother (mom’s aunt) ever since she can remember. Although she still sees her parents from time to time, it was really my grandma who brought her up.

Well, it was not easy for my mom to survive in a family she could not really call her own. She has a lot of cousins whom all depended on their mom, so my own mother never really got the affection of her aunt.

To make things worse, not all her cousins treated her nicely. Of course, since she is just an additional burden to the family, she needed to earn their affection by doing almost all of the house chores and following all the rules and regulations of the house.
Her aunt back then was very strict and she has a nasty temper. But my mom told me she appreciated how her aunt instilled to her self-discipline.

My mom told me that despite the fact that she wasn’t really treated as a real member of the family, she was very thankful for all the experiences she have had during her stay with my grandma.

As my mom recounted her past to me, I noticed that her eyes started to glitter as tears began forming on the edge of her eyes. I gave her my hanky and she smiled at me as she wiped the tears before they even slide down her cheeks, then she continued.

“Then I met your dad. He was a a teenage boy who just came in from the province. He was about to go to college and he was living with his uncle which was our neighbor.” My mom narrated as I closely listened.

“I never actually noticed your father, nor did I give him any attention. But your dad was persistent. He was eager to know me. That time, one of my close friends in the neighborhood was your father’s cousin, your Tita Len. When your father first saw me, your tita immediately told me that he liked me and he wanted to know me. I just blushed that time and told her to stop teasing me. I never actually liked your father back then for I hated how he looked. He seemed mayabang to me.” I was like a little kid being told of a mythical creature that mesmerize people with her melodious voice. I was glued to my mom as she continued to reminisce the time when she and dad were still trying to write their own love story.

“Then one time, while I was in my room looking out the window, I saw your dad on the street waving at me and gesturing me to come down. At first, I was hesitant to come down, but he knelt down and clasped his hands in front of him as if begging me to come down. I stood up as I rolled my eyes and went down to meet your dad. We talked about a lot of stuff and I was able to strip him off that negative air that surrounded him the first time I saw him. I was able to discover the real Gelo, and from then on, he started courting me until I finally gave in. Your dad was so determined to get me. What can I do, I fell for that thing called love.”
My mom laughed as she cracked a joke which made me smile.

“Your grandma wasn’t actually pleased with how your dad and I were getting a lot closer. She was furious. She didn’t really like Gelo for me. Even my cousins were against us being a couple. They were all protesting and my aunt even tried to stop me from seeing him by locking me inside the house keeping me busy with all the house chores. Then one day, I thought to myself that this should stop. I’m so full of them telling me what to do and what not to. So one night, I decided to just stow away. I wanted to get away from all of them. I wanted to be free.” I felt the sound of regret from my mom’s voice, and again, tears started to wet her eyes.

“I was able to find work in one of the nearby shops, and I was able to survive a few days out of my earning from my work. Then, without me knowing, your father went around everyday trying to look for me. Finally, he was able to locate me, and he asked me to just come with him and leave everything behind.  He wanted us to elope. I was against the idea but your dad again, as persistent as ever, was able to change my mind.”

My mom continued with her story until the time that they got married. Of course, I already know what happened after that, a very shaky relationship between a martyr wife and an abusive husband. I don’t know if I should blame it to the fact that they married very young, but who’s to blame. They both fell victim to the thing called love.

I hugged my mom after that and we both embraced each other tight which definitely made us feel better. Then as we are hugging each other, my mom whispered something to my ear which really made me cry.

“I know I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I admit I regret, but one thing’s for sure, I never regret falling in love with your dad even if I got hurt a thousand times, because despite those painful moments, I was able to give birth to a fine young man. I’m very thankful that I got you as my son and I will never ever regret that. I love you very much anak!

That night ended with both of us hugging and crying together. Those were the moments that I will always cherish for the rest of my life.

Now, as I sat there in my desk trying to think about my life, I finally thought how complicated love is. We live, we learn and we love on our own ways which others might not fathom. We love in different levels, and different degrees but the bottom line is that we love and we learn from loving.

Given all the pain that I’ve been through in life, it is so easy for me to just give up, but the image of my mom inspired me to keep on believing in the power of love. That someday, despite of all the pain it caused me, I might be able to get something that I will cherish forever, like what my mom got when she married my dad.


Ahyan said...

Love will lead the way ^_^
very interesting Love story of your parents and you as their child.

i wish i could meet your mom someday.

Marky said...

Thanks for appreciating Ahyan. :)Keep on visiting! :) Cheers!