Tuesday, March 15, 2011
The sun’s rays directly hit me as my feet stepped on the white sand. It was almost Summer. You would feel the heat of the sun burn the huge rocks that lie silently as the waves hit the shore.
The beach tried to mesmerize me, to invite me for a swim. I stood there beside the boat, looking directly on the vast horizon. It was so beautiful. Too bad I can’t see how beautiful it was. It brings me a painful memory. But I wished to believe that I’m strong enough. Strong enough to let go of the past, embrace the present and anticipate the future.
I don’t even know why I’m here, what I’m doing in this magnificent paradise which was known to be the place for couples in love. But I’m not here because I’m with someone, nor I’m in love. I’m here to find myself. I’m here to forget.
As soon as we got settled, my friends immediately got into their swim wear and head directly to the beach. I, on the other hand, stayed on the veranda of our cottage and just looked at them bask under the heat.
They tried to coax me to swim with them and enjoy this piece of paradise, but I just flashed them a weak smile and told them I want to be alone. Talking about being a kill joy.
I grabbed the nearest chair and sat, still watching the scenery. Everything that I saw just reminded me of him. The guy whom I share the passion for traveling. The guy who once told me that he’ll be with me anywhere he goes and whom I drew my future with.
I wish I could enjoy this place. It was one of the places in the list. Yes, the list that I made with Gelo. It was one of the places we once dreamt of visiting. Too bad he wasn’t with me now. He wasn’t anymore with me.
I tried hard to suppress my emotions and divert my attention to other things, but anywhere I looked, all I see is the image of two people romantically together. I can’t erase the thought of Gelo in my mind. And I hate it.
Why is it difficult to erase from your mind the memory of the people who never stayed with you? Was it because our brains naturally remember things that may seem unforgettable? Or was it because we chose to keep there? I would like to think otherwise, but everytime I do, I can’t think of any other reason why it was like that.
Gelo was the guy I first fell in love with. Not because he was rich, nor because he was handsome. It was because of all the guys I had been with, he was the most real. His sincerity falls above expectations and this kind of guy, I would usually say, is already too good to be true. Well, I should’ve known better.
It was the same setting. The beach. I was with some friends, and I was still with him. We were having bonfire that evening and we were grilling some seafood as we exchanged stories. I was having a few laughs with my clique when I noticed that Gelo wasn’t around. I tried to look for him, until I decided to check our cottage.
I was about a few meters away when I heard some sound. It wasn’t that clear but I can hear it. It sounded like two people doing something. My heart skipped a beat.
As I drew nearer and nearer, my heart pounded even more as I heard familiar voices. Could be him? I got afraid, but I still went, hoping that my imagination is just fooling me.
I stood up in front of the door and opened it. There I saw two naked bodies, on top of the bed, wildly enjoying each other’s flesh. I can’t believe what I saw. It was Angelo, along with my best friend Nathan. Tears started to flow from my eyes and I tried to wipe it. I don’t want them to see me cry.
From that day on, I decided to never fall in love. It was too painful for me to accept that the two people I cared for and I loved had also started loving each other behind my back. I would’ve had recovered easily if only Gelo had an affair with some other random guy. But it was Nathan. It was my best friend since high school for God’s sake.
The wind brushed my naked torso as it brought me back to the present. A lot of things started to enter my mind a few days after the incident. I tried to go out a lot. Party a lot. Drink a lot. I dated different people, male, female, rich, poor. I didn’t care. All I know is that I’m numb. I don’t anymore feel anything.
Every night, I would have sex with different people and I would lie next to a stranger without thinking what tomorrow would bring. That was how I started to view life. I would satisfy all my carnal pleasures without falling in love. No emotional attachments. No strings attached.
Whoever I thought would be attractive or would grab my attention would surely be hit. I was like a predator for sex. And everyone could be my prey. My victim. Anyway, that was how the world works. It’s a dog eats dog world. You wouldn’t be a victim as long as you keep up. Exploit others first before they could exploit you. That was how my life had been.
My friends started to get worried about me but I ignored them. They tried to put me back on the right track but I was too drowned in my own world, in my insane little world of alcohol and sex.
Then one day, I woke up naked, beside three naked guys I barely even know. Then all of a sudden, I felt this warm and wet substance slide down my cheeks.
That night for the first time, I cried. I cried and cried until there was no more left in me. I thought I would never feel emotions for the longest time, but that night, I felt pity. Pity for myself. For the things I’ve done.
I tried to take a bath and rubbed myself with soap until my skin almost bled. I wanted to wash away all the pain, the suffering, but I can’t. I felt dirty. I felt like a whore.
That’s when I had been saved. My friends, no matter what I did to myself, were still there for me. And I’m glad they stayed. They let me realize that no matter how painful an experience is, you will always have your friends with you when you needed them. They were like a family to me. I had fallen down once, twice, a lot of times, but they never left me. They just gave me space to think about my life. And for that I’m thankful.
Now, as I sat here in this cottage, I know I would like to start a new. As I watch my friends play around like innocent little kids, I wished I could take back everything that I’ve done in the past. I certainly wished I could turn back the hands of time and reverse all the bad things that had happened. I wish it was as simple as clicking undo in the computer.
But it all happened. I can’t do anything about it. All I can do now is to change. Revert back to my original self. I used to blame Gelo and Nathan for what had happened to me. But I was wrong. It was all my fault. I was the one who chose to live that kind of life. Now, it’s my turn to redeem myself from that lifestyle, I want to do it for myself. And through this, I would be able to start a new chapter of my life.
My mind was floating when someone called me.
“Hey there! Why are you alone?”
It was a voice from below. I tried to looked down and I saw a guy wearing what looked like a wetsuit.
“Hey.” I said.
“The sun is smiling at us, why the face?” The guy in wetsuit said, smiling at me.
He was about 5’9 in height and has a lean body. I wished I could describe him more but I guess I was blinded by my instincts. I felt somethimg different towards the guy. I knew something’s about to happen.
“Sorry. Was just thinking of something. Were you from around here?” I curiously asked.
“Yes. And I bet you’re here as a tourist. If you don’t mind, let’s swim!”
The guy’s smile was just so inviting that I can’t seem to say no. I smiled back and went down our cottage.
“By the way, I’m Hans. And you are?”
“Thanks! I’ll race you!” Then he started running. I began running after him as well.
And there we were, running towards the beach, towards my friends as the sun continued to shine its rays towards the white sand.
As ironic as it sounds, everything started and ended in paradise. I know I still have a lot to learn and to experience. But I hope that Hans would be the new chapter I’ve been waiting for. I knew I had found myself. Now it’s my turn to open it up for someone else. And as I looked at him play on the water along with my friends, I knew I had found the one. You can probably say he’s my next victim, but I would reassure you he would be my last. *wink*