Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Love In Silence

There we were, sitting opposite each other, trying to feel each other’s presence. I would look at him and once our eyes meet, we would both look away.

He would do the same. He would look at me while I concentrate on my food. You wouldn’t hear a single thing. We will both be engulfed by silence as we enjoy our food.

My left hand was placed on top of the table and he would try to hold it, but I would withdraw my hand and I will look at him and blush. We were so much like the cliché couple from high school who wanted to be wild but tried so hard to be decent.

He would just smile whenever I look at him and eventually, we both learn to be comfortable with each other. At first, you would feel the awkwardness of the situation. No one bothered to talk, nor begin a conversation.

Prior to our first meeting, we were constantly chatting on the web. He was so talkative. I, on the other hand kept my replies short and simple. I don’t want to convey the wrong message.

I just listened to him talk about his day. Then, through the words that appeared on our monitors, we would laugh, console each other and talk about just anything. No inhibitions. No limits.

As the days passed, I learned to warm up to him. I became more open and I started to talk. Every night, you would hear the continuous clicking of my keyboard inside my room. It was my first time to be loquacious. Given my situation, there was really no one I could talk to, aside from my mom who never knew that his son is inclined to love the same sex.

It was quite liberating, being able to talk about the things that I couldn’t openly talk about with others. I was like a child who first learned how to walk. I was starting to take little steps and the next thing you know, I’m already running in every direction. I even surprise myself sometimes. I didn’t expect that I would be this open, most specially with a stranger.

A month or two had passed and I know that Mike is not anymore a stranger. He is actually the closest friend I have. Even if at the moment, we both exist in the virtual realm, I know that what I felt towards him is genuine. I hope he felt the same way. Then, as we end that day’s chat, I kept my fingers crossed.

Then came the time that he asked me out on a sort of “date”. I was obviously not prepared for this one although I expected this offer already even before. I knew that the time will come when he would ask me out.

Of course, given the length of time we had been chatting, I’m sure we both would want to see each other in person. I felt a little anxious about this proposal but he kept on urging me and persuading me that it’s going to be okay. With shaking hands, I replied with “okay.” I clicked on send and there goes nothing.

Aside from the fact that this is going to be my first time meeting someone in person whom I just got to know from the web, I was even more worried for it’s going to be my first time meeting someone who accepts me for who I am. I know I had already accepted my situation long ago, but never did I imagine myself seeing someone who understood my condition.

Anyway, the day came and here I am, sitting opposite the guy who promised me it’s going to be okay. I sighed when I saw him standing in front of the restaurant where we were supposed to meet.

He was about 5’10 tall, and like what he said, he has a lean body. He was wearing a plain white long-sleeved polo and a pair of jeans. When he faced me, he flashed a smile which made my knees weak. I know it’s cliché but well, that was what I felt.

He led me inside for it’s my first time in the place. Like a gentleman, he pulled a chair for me and I quietly sat on it as I smiled at him. He just nodded and smiled as he took his seat.

A lot of times, I had thought about him just making fun of me. And every time those thoughts came, I would just sigh and hope that it’s not the case. I would even sometimes directly ask him if it’s ok for him to continue chatting with me, and he would just laugh and ask me what I’m talking about. He would even reassure me that he would’ve not continued talking to me if he does not accept me for who I am.

Those were the things that I tried to hold on to until this very moment. But when I saw him, I knew that I wouldn’t anymore need to worry myself. I knew he meant everything he told me. And as I look at him, I know I made the right choice. The person whom I’m willing to give my heart to has pure intentions and I know he would love me despite of everything.

Not long after eating, I leaned on the chair and he smiled and asked me if I got full. I nodded and smiled as I rubbed my tummy. He softly laughed and looked at me. His dimples were showing on both cheeks as he looked at me smiling. His chinky eyes were almost hidden. Then he told me something that I would never ever forget.

“You were the only person who made me feel this way. And no matter what your condition is, I don’t care, for I don’t anymore want to regret that I let go of the only thing that made me whole and complete. I wouldn’t anymore lose my other half.”

And with that, tears started to fall down my cheeks as he held my face with his right hand. That was the time I knew that even without the power of speech, I know that there are a lot of things that I could use to express myself. A simple smile, a droplet of tear, all of these could mean a lot. And the silence of the moment brought me and Mike together and I would never ever doubt again the person who accepted me wholeheartedly despite my disability.

This is what I’ve been waiting for, and finally, I found it. I held his hand tightly and without saying anything, I knew I made him feel what no words could ever describe.