Sunday, December 5, 2010

Act 6: Inhibitions

From: Alvin

What's that? Pity on yourself? Or merely avoiding a relationship?
Magkaiba 'yun. I don't know what your problem is pero hindi dapat ganun Mark.
You don't have to avoid it, instead you have to SOLVE it.
I don't want you to regret someday of what we have right now.
Asking yourself, 'what ifs'.
And why do you bail out on me just like that?
Nasasaktan ako.

Inhibitions. Limitations. Sanctions.

Words that stop one from moving forward.
Words that stop one from making risks and taking chances.
Words which could end a budding relationship.
Words which could stop the breathing of a person.
Words which could stop one from learning; from experiencing.
Words which hinders one from reaching his dreams.
Words which could kill.
Words which could destroy.
Words which could ruin.

These are the words that had been bothering me for the longest time. Words which if didn't exist could've made my life easier.

But as I say these words to myself, I understood how they really work. It was my decision. It was my own doing.

A relationship could've worked if one didn't think of his limitations as a person.
A relationship could've succeeded if one broke free from his inhibitions.
A relationship could've sprouted if one set himself free from fears and doubts.

But it is easier said than done.
That's what I realized.

In this world full of uncertainty, these words are your guide towards one certain direction.
If these words didn't exist, then all of us could've been all over the place.

Without the power of these words,
no one could've reached his destination;
no one could've failed and learned from it;
no one could've found his real partner;
no one could've let a person breathe a new;
no one could've given up and tried something else more worthy of doing;
no one could've found his real passion;
no one could've learned;
no one could've survived;
no one could've grown.

As just can't help but stare at Alvin's message. I was hurt, knowing that I've hurt him, but that's how I felt. I just wanted to be honest to him.

Are you truly matured enough to enter a relationship Mark?

Those words pierced me like a thousand knives continuously stabbing me.
Know why it hurt? Because I know it's true.

No matter how many times I fall and stand up after a relationship, I can never really say that I've matured enough. I've grown, that's for sure, but it's not enough.

I am continuously learning.
Trying to make things right and trying to do things differently.

But who am I to say that I can now handle a relationship?
Who am I to judge that my relationships from now on will be perfect?
Who am I to admit that my relationships in the past are far worse than what I'll be having in the future?

I don't know. No one knows for sure.
But what you do in the present may affect your life in the future.

To: Alvin

I was just thinking bout what you said last night... I guess, I still am immature. I won't deny it... Yeah, so don't anymore fallfor me... You deserved better. I don't deserve you. I'm not worthy enough... Sorry...

I know I should'nt have said those words to him, but I did.
Now, I'm suffering from the consequences.
Will it be another Kuya BJ? Another Enzo? Another Gian?

As I held my phone, I cannot help but cry.

Don't I deserve to love?
Don't I deserve to be loved?

Well, I did it. There's no turning back.

I wanted to tell him sorry. To apologize for what I said.

But apologizing would just mean that I'll be lying to him.
I would be pretending that I'm ready for another relationship even if I know deep inside that I am not.

I would be fooling not only Alvin but myself.
I'll be hurting not only myself, but him.

I know that behind the mask of happiness and laughter hides the feeling of longing and sadness.

I still missed Gian. I know I do. The closure which I didn't get from him stops me from truly moving forward.

I am not sure what I still feel for Gian but I am sure that whatever it is, I should learn to face it first and close that chapter in my life before I could really move on and start a new.

But the words haunted me like hell. Fears... Doubts... Regrets...

I wanted to share my feelings to someone, but whom would I talk to?

The last time I noticed, I don't have anyone sitting beside me comforting me.
I don't have anyone who can fill the gaps of my fingers.
I don't have anyone who would tell me that everything will be alright.
I don't have anyone who would hug me and make me calm down.

I don't have anyone. And that hurt me even more.
I am living for the sake of living, and that makes me a fucked-up person.

I sat on the edge of my bed as I still hold on to the thing that connects me to him.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and just let my tears express what words can't.