Saturday, December 4, 2010

Act 5: Pain

He was concentrating on his food as teardrops started sliding down my cheeks.

I quickly bowed down and told him that I just need to go to the CR.

I stood up and went straight to the comfort room. I closed the door and looked at myself in the mirror as tears continue to cascade down my cheeks.

I cannot contain myself. I thought my heart will burst that time. I felt sad, lonely, disappointed, angry. All those emotions kept on spinning round and round inside my chest.

I wanted to scream, wanting to release all the emotions that I keep inside, but I just stared at myself in the mirror.

I know I don't have the right to get angry because it's my fault. Everything is my fault. I was the one who decided that we should just remain friends.

After a month since we've met, Gian confronted me about his feelings. He was actually the first one to confess. He loves me and I knew it even before he told me. I'm just scared of admitting it to myself.

I actually love him too, but during that time, I am not yet ready to be in a relationship. I got scared of the idea of committing to someone. I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle a same sex relationship.

I have nothing against this kind of relationship but I have heard bad experiences from friends that came from this. They were mostly cheated or they were the ones who cheated.

I'm not yet ready for those types of problems, given that I already have my own personal issues with my family. I don't want to add up to the mess that my family is experiencing.

I told Gian that it's better for us to remain friends. Gian tried to smile even if I know he was a bit disappointed hearing those words from me.

I know he thought that I felt the same way as him and I was just holding back, but he respected my decision.

Even though I have hurt him by "rejecting" him, he still remained to be the same person I've met a month ago.

We continued seeing each other, but I know something changed. I felt it. But the good thing is that he never left me behind.

Everytime we see each other, I felt like I was the one becoming more attached to him. I felt like I cannot let the day pass without wanting to see him or talk to him.

Was it karma? I felt guilty the more I thought about what happen; me rejecting him. But what made it feel worse is that I know I am really falling for him even more.

As I cried inside the comfort room, someone knocked on the door and I heard a familiar voice.

"Hey bes! Are you alright? Is there something wrong?"

Gian was obviously worried because I haven't been back to our table for almost 10 minutes already.

I tried to fix myself up and I washed my face to remove the traces of tears but my eyes would surely give me away.

"I'm okay! Just wait for me on our table, be coming out in a few."
I pretended as if nothing is wrong but right at that very moment, nothing felt right.

I went back to the table and continued eating as Gian told me about this guy he is currently seeing.

His name was Cliff, and he was a college student in a prestigious school in Manila.

I tried to listen to him speak but all I can think about is what it would've been if I was able to tell him how I feel for him. How all those wonderful images of us hugging and finally becoming a couple won't ever happen.

I was about to cry again but I contained myself. I felt numb. Numb to the feeling of rejection.
So this is probably how Gian felt when I turned him down. I'm so stupid for causing such pain to someone I really value.

Now, it's my turn to feel the pain. The only difference now is that there is a third party.
That's what makes it more painful; the fact that now, I'm not the only special person in Gian's life.

I know I sounded a bit selfish, but that's how I felt. I know he never really rejected me for he wasn't able to hear what I'm going to say, but the things I've heard  from him felt as if I was rejected a thousand times.

He was saying how nice the guy is and how he made him laugh. Gian sounded like a little kid telling his mother how he got a huge star on his exam.

I can't spoil his happiness as he shared his experience with Cliff, but if only I can, I would've shut him up and told him the reason why I wanted to see him.

I wanted to tell it straight to his face how much I love him and how much he means to me, but I don't have the courage to do so. I just sat there playing with my food as I remained silent.

After sharing his story, he asked me about the thing that I want to say to him.

I looked at my food and I can't even stare at him in the eyes.

"Oh, that... Nothing, I just want to say that..." I was at a lost for words. My heart wanted me to say the truth to him, but my head tells me otherwise.

"I wanted to say that I really missed you!" My head won over my heart.

"Aww, bes... I missed you too!"

Gian held my hand under the table and he squeezed it. That time, I don't know anymore what to feel. I wanted to squeeze it back to tell him that everything is okay and I'm glad he is with me now, but I can't. I don't have the energy to squeeze his hand back.

I just looked at him and smiled weakly. I tried to force a smile but deep inside I'm devastated.
"Why Gian? Why didn't you wait for me?" I thought to myself.

As we finished eating, we went out and bid each other good bye. Normally he would wait for me to ride a bus before he cross the overpass, but that time, I told him to just go on ahead and  that I need to go somewhere first.

He was a little hesitant and he actually asked me if he can accompany me, but I said it's ok. He hugged me as he said take care, and he started to walk on the opposite direction.

I actually don't have anywhere to go to. I just wanted to be alone. To be as far away from him as possible. I don't want him to see me in pain. He never caused it anyway, I inflicted it on myself.

As soon as Gian is out of sight, I rode the bus and sat on the back where no one can see me.
As I sat, tears started to fall again as I stared at the window.


Anonymous said...

And I felt the pain too....-Choy