Monday, December 27, 2010

Act 13: Closure

i knw
im hard 2



bt i wana
say thank u


even though it's pretty
hard makin' friends
w/ me

u did.

TO: Gian


I stared at my mobile phone for quite some time before I finally pressed send. Then there was the long-awaited sigh. I was able to breathe after sending it to him.

I know we haven't talked for quite a while now. I don't know if he was avoiding me, but I was also wishing that he is. I'm not yet ready to face him. But hell do I miss him that badly. So after receiving that message from one of my close friends, I decided to send it to him. I don't know whether he'll respond or not, but at least I did send it. "Bahala na." I thought.

It's been hours already but no message came from him. As in none. I wonder. He probably is still mad at me. For the sudden breakup. For the sudden heartache. I can't blame him. It's all because of my stupid actions. Then, I finally decided to admit it to him. The word that seemed to be the hardest to say, specially if you know it's your fault.

Sorry Gian... Sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I know I'm not in the position to still text you and tell you sweet nothings but regardless, I still did. Because that's how I feel. That's what my heart wanted to say. I know we had some rough times, and I know most of it was my fault. But I still do hope to hear from you. Anyway, Merry Christmas to you and your family. I missed your youngest sister, I missed tita, I missed tito. And I missed... you.

TO: Gian


Again was that pause of hesitation. But I have to do it, to finally put an end to all those times we've been trying to avoid each other. I just wanted to hear his side. To hear what he has gott to say. But to be honest, I just wanted to hear him speak. To know that he is still there. That he still cares.

I've waited. One hour. Two hours, I fell asleep while waiting. I woke up at around 11 in the evening and the first thing I did was to look at my phone.

1 message received

My heart beat faster and my breathing suddenly deepened. "Is this the message I've been waiting for for ages?"

As I opened the message, my jaw dropped knowing that it just came from one of my friends greeting me a Merry Christmas. No message came from him. None whatsoever.

I decided to just stop waiting. But an idea popped into my head.

I sat in front of my laptop and turned it on. As the computer in front of me sprang to life, I quickly accessed the web. I opened my Facebook account and, as crazy and as stupid as it may seem, I checked Gian's page.

New profile picture (Oh, how I missed him...). New faces. But his status was still the same. He did accept some new friends, but none that I considered to be special. Then I looked down at the screen and saw that I'm offline.
In that instant, I decided to go online and check who's still up. Then, like out of nowhere, his name appeared on the list.

I stared at his name for what seemed like eternity. I wanted to click it and get it over with but my hands were trembling. Anyway, I mustered the courage to still click it.
The chat box appeared with his name on top. Then I saw the blinking cursor. It was urging me to begin typing a message. It wasn't actually urging me. It was mocking me. For no matter how brave I am, I still can't find the right words to say.


It was the lamest message I sent him. I'd like to kill myself that time. Of all the words in the dictionary, why can't I even compose a more decent message? 

I waited... for his response. New chat boxes appeared beside Gian's. They were some of my friends back from high school and college greeting me yuletide cheers. But again, no response yet from Gian. He probably got even more pissed with the stupid message that came from no other than me.

As I stared at the chat box, I was about to type in a more suitable message, until a new message popped out. It was from him. He replied!

Hi too!

I wanted to laugh, but I contained myself. I just smiled as I read his message. What best response could be given to a lame message other than another lame one. I gained my composure and maintained my audacity as I replied.

Did I bother you?  I just wanted to greet you. Merry Christmas! :)

What am I thinking? I even put a smile in the end. I hope he won't misinterpret it as the I'm-happy-and-you-know-it-coz-you're-not-in-my-life-anymore message.

Nope. Just fixing some stuff. Anyway, thanks! Merry Christmas too.

I really can't get anything out of his messages. Too formal. Too straightforward. So not Gian. I replied.

Btw, I texted you this afternoon. Were you able to receive the message? Are you still using the same number?

Gian: Well, yes, I still am using my old number. Yung naka-plan. But I wasn't able to receive any message from you.

Damn, I forgot that he changed his number. Well, honestly, I already erased his number from my mobile phone. I was just able to get his number from my other phone which I stored in my cabinet for good. I was just itching to send him a message so I tried my luck using the old phone and luckily, his number was still there. Unfortunately, I forgot that he changed his number already when he applied for a postpaid plan.

Oh, yeah! I forgot! Sorry. I was actually texting your old prepaid number. That's probably why you weren't receiving any of my messages. Btw, could I get your number again?

I sounded stupid by asking his number after I erased it but I need to swallow my pride just this once. But it actually made me smile knowing that I got the wrong number because I had this bit of hope that if I'd only gotten the correct number, he must've replied to my messages.

Sure, here. 0916#######

Me: Thanks Gian! I'll be texting you now!

I left my laptop and I lied on my bed after getting his number. I quickly sent him a message.

Hi Gian! The next message you'll be receiving are the messages I sent you just this afternoon.

I scanned my sent messages and resent the messages to him, then I waited for a response.

It took again quite awhile before he was able to reply.

Thanks for saying that. Merry Christmas din! Well, I forgave you na naman. Don't worry. I don't have a grudge against you or anything.

As I read his message, I didn't know what to feel. I just felt lighter. Well. I don't know if I should but I did. I felt as if a huge boulder was taken out of my chest. I gave a sigh of relief and smiled. I replied.

Thank you Gian. I finally got the closure I've been wishing for all this time. Sorry if I've been bothering you sometimes. I just can't help but miss you and text you every once in a while. But your short response made me feel that you are not anymore interested, so to at least leave a little bit of respect for myself, I decided to just erase your number. That is to stop me from sending you messages. I know that you've grown tired of me whining and getting jealous every time. Sorry. I've been too childish. Anyway, I heard what I needed to hear and that's enough for me. Thank you very much!

I sent the message as soon as I finished typing. I can't anymore remember how it all began, I just knew that we've come to the end of the line. But I don't feel sad, for I know we've finally put closure to our relationship.

You're very welcome. 'Di mo naman kelangan mabother or something.

Ang nangyari kasi sa akin ay napagod. Napuno siguro.

Pero di ako nagcloclose ng doors.

The last part of his message caught me but I just smiled. Friendship maybe, but not anymore love. Well, what's done is done. All we just need to do is learn from the experience and finally move on.

Gian: Well, to tell u d truth, nakahinga ako...

Feeling ko mas mature n dn ako.

Pero u knw wat. U've always been enclosed in ur own set of rules. In ur own world. Na d pwdng bguhin or somethng. (ewan ko lang kung ganon p dn) Learn to let loose din. Be fluid. Ayon.

I know I've been too fixated with myself lately. I remembered what I told him before we became lovers:

"I don't want to change myself for others to like me. In short, I won't change myself to please someone else. If a person loved me for my good side, he should also learn to love my bad side. I'm not perfect after all. I have my own flaws. And if a person can't accept that, then he can't accept me as a whole. Ayaw kong baguhin ang sarili ko para lang matuwa sa akin yung tao dahil pag nagkaganun para ko na ring siyang plinaplastic, because no matter how I change my ways, it will still not be the genuine me that he sees but someone else that he wanted me to be."

To be honest, I still feel that way. I know partly I'm correct. Or so I believe. But now, I saw the point of Gian. I should also learn to let go of my inhibitions and limitations. I should be carefree sometimes, with no rules or boundaries to stop me. I've been too hooked with the idea of being firm and strict not knowing that it's beginning to ruin my relationship with other people. But I still believe that I should not change my ways to get the love of other people. I am me and that's that. It's either you love me or you hate me. It's just a matter of accepting me for who I am or not accept me at all.

As Gian and I closed the chapter in our lives, I felt the silence of my room console me. But nevertheless, I don't feel total sadness, for I know for a fact that as this ends, a new beginning awaits. Probably better, probably brighter, probably happier. And as I look back through all the drama and the laughter that transpired all throughout the relationship, I learned something. I became stronger and wiser. I've become a better man, and that's what's more important.