Sunday, February 6, 2011
The ray of light was beaming over the window sill. I looked at the clock and it’s already half past 8. I jolted upright and went straight to the bathroom.
“I’m late again!”
Recently, I had always been late for work. I don’t know why but I just lack that enthusiasm to perform.
Just yesterday, I tried typing in my laptop my resignation letter. Since I don’t have anything to do and it’s almost time to go home, I conveyed everything I feel in the letter as professional as possible.
It took me quite awhile to write the letter for I wanted to make sure that it contains everything I need to say.
Then all of a sudden, Jansen appeared on the door directly in front of my desk. He was all-smiles.
“Hey there! What are you doing? Aren’t we suppose to leave now? It’s already 6 o’clock!”
“I know, wait right there, I’ll just finish this.”
“Whoa, look who’s talking now. Are you trying to impress our boss by working overtime for no pay at all? That’s really something!”
Jansen is one of my office mates and had always been my best friend in the company. Well, he was the one who made me feel comfortable during my first few weeks at work.
I know Jansen is sometimes an asshole and he keeps on fooling around, but I know him better. He has that happy-go-lucky air in him but if you looked deeper, you’ll soon find out that he is actually a serious guy who sticks to his goals and has dreams of being able to buy a house for his mother. That is what drove me towards him. That’s what made me stay here for the longest time.
“Ok, ok, I’ll just shut down my laptop, geez.” I tried to sound a little annoyed but for sure he didn’t notice.
At first, I thought what I felt for Jansen is just pure admiration and nothing else. He had always been a helpful friend even if he acts immaturely most of the time. But the more time we spend together, the more I felt different. The more I felt afraid of what might develop.
I know I’m straight. I have had a lot of girlfriends before, but I really wonder why I felt with Jansen the same feelings I had towards girls.
I felt my heart beat faster everytime our skin would touch or when he would usually put his arm over my shoulder on our way to the cafeteria. I felt a different kind of sensation everytime he would whisper something to me.
I erased the thought of me being gay, but everytime I do, the more I felt I am. I tried to date other girls to make me believe that I still am the same guy I was before.
There was Nadine, the executive secretary who I knew had a secret crush on me. And Rhea who I had been eyeing since she first started working in our company.
I tried to divert my attention to women but Jansen kept on appearing in the picture. He had always been a part of my life that I can’t just throw him out just because I am a coward to accept that I probably might be gay and that I’m falling in love with my best friend.
Yes, it’s my first time to feel this way and probably, like any other guy out there who just recently discovered that they can also get attracted to the same sex, it got me really anxious.
*whistling* “C’mon, faster! Would it take you decades to close that computer? In a few minutes, we would again be stuck in traffic. We should leave ASAP!”
After closing my laptop, I quickly placed it in my bag and started to fix myself. I saw Jansen in the door, with his arms crossed, looking at me as if he saw someone he didn’t like.
Knowing him, being impatient and all, I quickly grabbed my jacket and approached him.
We left the office, again with his arms over my shoulder.
Now, I just noticed how ofter he kept on doing that everytime he got the chance. I wonder if he might also be like me. Again, I tried to erase the thought in my head.
Jansen pushed the button with the arrow down as we waited for the elevator to come.
Jansen kept on whistling beside me which I found a little annoying but since I liked the tune, I just ignored him. Although I still can’t concentrate for his arms kept me closer to him.
As we waited for the elevator, my mind again wondered.
It was February 14 that day. Yes, it was Valentine’s Day. I was about to date Shiela, my girlfriend. We were to eat in this very popular restaurant in Eastwood and I’ve been preparing for this very special day for weeks now. With the help of Jansen, I was able to fix everything up. Even the suit I’m going to wear for that day was chosen for me by him.
Then on that same day, I was dumped by my girlfriend. She just told me that after a year and a half of keeping the love alive, she just lost her love for me. Just like that. She didn’t even show up in the restaurant which I painstakingly booked just for this very special evening. Without any explanation, she texted that she couldn’t make it and that it’s over. She’s in love with another guy. Damn, it was the same old cliché of it’s-not-you-it’s-me excuses for having an affair with another person.
I was so devastated that time. There was hardly anyone I could talk to but Jansen. I dialed his number and an hour after, I saw myself drowning in alcohol with Jansen beside me.
“What have I done wrong? Can you tell me?”
Jansen just kept quiet and looked at me with those warm eyes showing sympathy and understanding. I’ve never seen him look at me like that before.
“I gave her all the love I can offer. I know I’m not rich but I did everything to keep her satisfied but why? Why did she still replace me with another guy? Was I not good enough? You tell me!”
My voice got a little louder which made others look in our direction but I was able to calm down thanks to Jansen who rubbed my back.
“Dude, I know you’d been a couple for quite some time now and I know how it feels, but you should not dwell too much in misery. At least now, you know her true colors and that it didn’t reach the point that there’s no turning back.”
Jansen’s voice was so soothing. If his voice could be anything, it could’ve been the drug which could heal whatever pain I was feeling inside. I’m thankful that he was there beside me during that time.
I was totally drunk when we went outside. Jansen was trying so hard to keep me upright while supporting me and carrying most of my weight just to keep me from falling.
But in the middle of our way to his car, I almost stumbled. Since I am quite heavy, Jansen almost fell along with me, but as he kept both our balance, I directly faced him as he again made me stand. Our eyes met and his stare almost made me lose consciousness.
His eyes looked firm, assuring me that everything will be alright. Our faces were so close together that I felt the warmth of his breath. That moment, probably also because of alcohol, I got the urge to kiss him. He looked so handsome and his facial features had been highlighted by the light on the nearby lamp post.
My daydream was interrupted by the opening of the elevator door. Normally, by this time, elevators are already crowded as they reach our floor. Surprisingly though, it was empty. Jansen tapped my back and smiled at me as we entered the lift.
As the elevator closed, there was silence. I was standing right next to Jansen and I stared at the moving light just above the door.
34… 33... 32…
It was taking forever. Then, I tried to look at Jansen through the corner of my eye. Then I saw him staring at me. My heart started to pound inside my chest.
His stare made me melt. He looked at me differently. It was the same stare I saw on the evening of February 14 when my ex-girlfriend dumped me. Suddenly, Jansen took my hand and kissed me right there.
Our lips were together and I just stood there like a stone. I didn’t know how to react. All I know is that his warm lips were currently glued to mine.
He then hugged me and as if my body acted on its own, I hugged him back and kissed him passionately. We were kissing like there was no tomorrow. I didn’t anymore think about whether someone might see us. All I know is that this should’ve happened a long time ago. Finally, the thing that I’ve been secretly wishing came true.
5… 4… 3… 2…
As we reached the ground floor, we both broke the kiss and he smiled at me as he placed his arm over my shoulder as we left the elevator.
Upon exiting the building, Jansen waved at me.
“Good night… dear buddy! Take care, ok?”
I quickly blushed as he said it. Our term of endearment.
“Good night too buddy! Take care!” And I mouthed the words “I love you.”
He smiled as he went the opposite direction. I stood there looking at him as he went his way. Then I smiled and started walking.
Then I thought to myself, “First thing tomorrow, I’ll delete the resignation letter I just typed. No way I’ll be leaving him behind. No way…”