Saturday, December 11, 2010
Days had passed since Gian's confession and I must admit that I cried buckets every night after that.
One day, I decided to just stop feeling and move on with my life. I wanted to erase in my mind that feeling of rejection, and just think that everything will be fine in the end. But no matter how I try to forget the feeling, it kept on haunting me.
Gian continued to text me and I continued to respond like the usual. I acted as if nothing happened. Of course, Gian didn't know that something was wrong. I was a good actor. I was able to fool Gian and myself that I'm happy for him.
Everything was going smoothly as planned. I was supporting Gian on his "getting to know Cliff" experience.
One day, Gian and I were hanging out in a mall somewhere in Quezon City. Everytime Gian talk about his recent date with Cliff, or when he tells me how the guy treated him nicely, I stop and stare blankly straight ahead.
I know Gian noticed it and asked me whether I'm fine.I just smiled and nodded and continued walking.
We were discussing how the two of them met and how it all started. Then and there I would've wanted to just run away from him and leave him there, but that was too obvious. I was trying so hard to hide the fact that I'm totally pissed at how the two of them are getting so close with each other.
That night, after I got home, I opened my computer and checked my account. I have one friend request. I clicked it and stared at the name that appeared on the screen.
I looked at the name on the screen. It was him. The guy whom Gian is going out with.
I remembered Gian telling me that he had told him about me. That I was his best friend.
Now, I'm caught in the middle.
I hesitated whether to accept the invitation or not. I don't know whether I should get angry or stay neutral.
I clicked the Accept button and voila, we are now officially friends.
I thought it's all over after that, but a chat message popped out just below the screen.
Hi Mark! Thanks for accepting my invitation! I think Gian already told you about me. I just want to be friends with you. Of course, the friends of Gian are now also my friends! :)
I was reading the message again and again trying to digest what I was seeing. I didn't know what to say or how to respond to it. I was too numb to even accept the fact that all of it was happening.
I took me a few minutes before I can finally react. I took a deep breath and typed a response.
Sure Cliff! No problem! Yeah, he already mentioned you. I heard a lot of great things about you!
I was hoping that he won't anymore reply and I was about to just click the offline status so he can't anymore respond but damn he was fast.
Oh! Haha, I hope he didn't talk too much. I'm getting embarrassed. Anyway, I really like Gian. I think I liked him more than as a friend. He is special. He made me feel special everytime we are together.I know you don't know me yet but I promise you I'll take care of him.
I stared at his message in disbelief. I wanted to tell the truth to him so he would leave Gian alone, but that would be unfair. Gian doesn't deserve to get hurt because of my mistakes.
Thanks for being honest Cliff. Yeah. I know Gian felt something for you too. I just want one thing for Gian, and that's for him to be happy. Please don't hurt Gian. The least thing I would like to happen is you fooling around with him. Sorry if I'm too frank but I can't risk Gian's feelings. You know I love him, so don't ever break his heart because I'll be your worst enemy if that happens!
I hit the enter key and there goes my message. If I can't really be with Gian more than as a best friend, I would at least want to secure his relationship with Cliff. I know it hurts to see the one you love fall for another person, but as what they say, if you love someone, learn to set them free.
Cliff responded with a promise, but he also told me something that gave me a little ray of hope.
But to be honest Mark, Gian is holding back. I felt it everytime I would tell him how much I like him. He would just smile at me and keep silent. And everytime I would ask him again, he will just tell me that he's not yet ready. I think something is still bothering him. Have you got any idea why he is like that?
I thought of Gian, trying to hold back whatever feeling he has for Cliff. Was it true? Was he really holding back? But why? He seemed very happy everytime he tells me about them, but why would he hold back?
I was also at a lost, trying to figure out what Cliff just told me. I don't want to assure things, but something hit me that moment. Could it be that I might be the reason why he is holding back? That deep inside him, he is still trying to reserve that little hope that I might finally have feelings for him too?
As those thoughts twirled inside my head, I felt something inside me which I can't explain. I don't know whether it is happiness or confusion, but I know I just have to find the answers.