Tuesday, December 14, 2010

For the guy named ADAM

While I was about to sleep one night, my phone vibrated and even though I was a little hesitant to read the message for I'm really sleepy, I still read it. It was from one of my friends. He was just telling me about this blog called When Boy Meets Boy and he assured me that I would like it.

I’m never really much of a fan of reading blogs. Not that I’m not interested though. I just don’t have the time to do so. After a week or so, I already forgot about the whole thing.

One day, I opened my computer and quickly accessed the net. While checking my Facebook account, I saw my friend’s profile picture, and suddenly I remembered his message.

I tried visiting the site and I was a little taken aback by the picture that loaded on the screen.  Two guys being intimate with one another. I thought it was just another pornographic site solely dedicated for satisfying the urge to release a big load.

I was about to close it when the profile of the blogger caught my eye which started with "My name is Adam." I don't know what caught my attention but I continued reading.

Apparently, I was wrong. As I scrolled down, all I saw was a single picture and a long story.  Well, since I love to read, I clicked on the first chapter of Book 1 and I began to read. All I was able to say back then was “Shit!

I really don’t know how it all happened but the fact that I see myself in Adam made me continue reading.Yeah, I was Adam. As I put myself into his shoes, a lot of memories started to pour in. I felt the pain that he felt, the happiness, the anger, the confusion. I felt what he felt in every chapter, then, unknowingly, I fell for the story.

Everyday, even after a tiring day at work, I would still open my laptop and try reading a chapter or two. One chapter per day became two, then it became three. There was even a time when I read five chapters continuously without even noticing that I only have about an hour to sleep before my work for the day starts. It was like a drug to me. A drug which brings me to a different world where I experience the same old feelings.

Heck, I didn’t sleep that time and I just continued reading. I didn’t care whether I fall asleep on my desk while working. All I know is that I can't put it down for every time I want to do so, I would just be so curious to read what'll happen next.

I remember this one time when I was really having a bad day and I thought of reading Adam’s blog. I was about to read this one of the last few chapters in Book 1.

As I started reading, I didn’t know why but the scenes, the words, the actions in the chapter made my chest ache. I was experiencing this weird feeling of breaking down all of a sudden. I felt really heavy, until I couldn’t hold it anymore. A tear escaped my eye and I began to cry. I was crying like crazy as I hugged my pillow while reading. It made me forget the fact that I was pissed with the world.

It was the last dance shared by Jeremy and Adam. This probably was the chapter which totally made me cry. I’m not really a crybaby but that time, I began to strip off my inhibitions and just let it all out. To be honest, the same thing happened to me. That moment of hurting and getting hurt. Leaving the person who loved you dearly and letting go of him because you know that you are not only fooling him but also yourself. The pain continued to sear as the two characters exchanged dialogues.

"I can't give you the world but I can give you my heart." Damn that line. You know how much they both love each other but the irony of life always takes its course. The idea of two lovers being held back by circumstances really is heart-breaking.

The next morning, all I can remember was that I’ve shed tears that night which made my office mates ask why the hell my eyes were so puffy. I just smiled at them and kept them wondering all day.

As I continue to follow the life of the guy named “Adam”, not only did I realize that I’m like him, but also, I can compare myself to the other characters in the story.There were times I'm like Andre who just kept it all inside. There were times I'm like Jack who felt aloof to the world. I was even like Wei once who would do everything just to get the guy's love. But most importantly, I was like Jagger who had a dark past and a broken childhood.

While checking my Facebook account a few weeks after I started reading, I saw this invitation from “Adam” regarding a short quiz that could determine which WBMB character I personify. I took it and answered it as honestly as I could, and I got Jeremy. That time, I didn’t know whether I’ll be happy or sad. I tried contemplating on myself and I finally realized why. I got scared at how accurate the quiz’s result for me.

No matter how pissed I am at Jeremy for leaving Adam, I can’t deny the fact that I would also be devastated if my loved one would be far away from me. My world will just definitely shatter into pieces. I just can’t accept the fact that I won’t be able to see and physically feel the presence of the person I truly love. Although I don’t agree on the fact that Jeremy found someone else while Adam was away, I can’t really blame him. Sadness and depression could always make you someone you really are not. That I can prove based on experience.

Well, Jagger could be the person I liked most in the story because his mysterious demeanor intrigued me, but I honestly believe that Jeremy’s flaws and imperfections as a person made me like him too.

I don’t truly believe in labels, but for the purpose of distinguishing myself, I can say that I’m a discreet bisexual who is still not totally out to everyone. Although I have nothing against coming out and liberating myself from the chains of societal norms, I can’t still really break free from my own inhibitions. But to be honest, the story of Adam made me proud to be like this and I salute all the people who have broken free and who are still struggling to break free from the clutches of sexual discrimination. Like what I’ve said to Adam during one of our conversations, this is what I am and no matter how miserable my life is due to my parents’ nonacceptance of my sexuality, I can never be the person they liked me to be for I am proud to be a bisexual and I don’t regret loving the same sex. "Hindi ko man kayo mabigyan ng apo, kaya ko naman kayo bigyan ng isa pang anak, lalaki nga lang ulit."

WBMB is a blog that is truly worth reading, not only for the LGBT community but also for those people who wish to understand what it truly is to be in our shoes. But If I were to be asked, this blog should really be read by people who are “ignorant” of the fact that regardless of gender and sexual orientation, everyone has the right to lead a normal life, without being prejudiced and discriminated.

Like me, all of us have had our own share of James, Brandon, Andre, Jeremy, Wei, Lorenzo, and Jagger in our lives. We could even play the roles of those characters in real life, but no matter what we are or who we are, nor how others see us, we are the ones who hold our own lives, and most importantly, no one can stop us from truly getting the most out of it.