Sunday, December 12, 2010
After my Facebook encounter with Cliff, I tried opening my Skype account hoping that I can catch Gian online.
I scanned the list of my friends and there was his name with a green circle on the side. He was online.
I quickly sent him a message.
Bes, hi! Are you busy? I just want to talk to you.
I waited for his response. I was a little nervous about this whole conversation going nowhere.
I waited until the small pencil appeared on the screen.
Sure bes! What is it?
A little hesitant, I responded, trying to gauge every word that I will say, not wanting to be so aggressive nor too lax.
Uhm, bes, Cliff added me up in FB just a while ago and we talked. About you. About your relationship.
It took quite a few minutes before Gian responded.
Oh. Okay, so what about it?
Gian sounded a little bland, which is not usual. Everytime we talk about Cliff and him, there was always this imaginary glow in him, but now, he really seemed uninterested
Well, uhm, can we just talk? I'll call you. I don't want to cause any misunderstanding.
I took a pair of earphones from the drawer of my study table and quickly attached it to my computer. I called Gian and waited for him to pick up.
"Hello? Bes? Do you hear me?" I said as he picked up my call.
"Yes bes! It's clear. What are you going to say again?"
"Uhm, well, Cliff told me that you are holding back. I know you like him and all but why are you trying to hold back?"
I heard Gian's breathing. That moment, I would've wanted to see him. To talk to him in person, but I can't. I wanted to just postpone the idea of doing a Skype conversation so that we can just see each other and talk about it, but I was so eager to know that instant. I was so eager that I don't want the day to pass without knowing the truth.
"Well, Bes, you know that we just met and I really don't know what I feel for him. Yes, I am happy whenever we are together, but I still feel that something is missing. Something that I felt when I was with you..."
I would've wanted him to repeat that part just for me to assure that what I heard was correct.
"What's that again Bes?"
"I said, something was missing. Okay, I'll be completely honest. The first time Cliff and I met, there was no connection. Not that I didn't like him, but there was something missing. Something that I felt when I first met you."
That time, I wanted to just die. Am I finally going to hear what I wanted to hear all this time?
"What do you mean Bes?" I acted as if I'm innocent but I'm starting to see the picture.
"Bes, I didn't feel any spark when I met Cliff. Unlike the one I felt with you. I know I've told you how much I liked him, but I'm holding back because I know it's not right. I like Cliff only as a friend and nothing more than what he expects from me."
I was listening attentively to every word he was saying. I was like a spectator of a show where the woman was just about to be cut in two by a magician.
"Bes, you know how many times I've told you before that I like you. And during those many times, you rejected me. I felt pain everytime you tell me that we can't be together. That you just want us to be the best of friends. Even if it's hard for me, I accepted it. I became your best friend even if it hurts. I don't mean that I don't want us to be best friends, but I would've wanted us to be more than that. You know that. I wanted you to be my boyfriend. But you declined. I accepted to be your best friend because that way, I won't ever lose you. I will still be with you even if I know that I can never be your lover. But you know? Despite all the rejections, I still didn't lose that tiny ray of hope that someday, you'll realize how much you love me and that you'll finally accept me as your lover."
I was already crying that time. I know he heard my sobs as I listened to him confess again about what he feels for me. As he spoke, I also heard that his voice was cracking and that he was also about to cry.
I wasn't able to respond immediately. I just kept my eyes close as I listen to his breathing. I recalled every word he said and it even made me tear up more. I just wanted to hug him then and there. I wanted to tell him it's alright and that I now realize how much I love him and that I accept him as my lover.
"Bes, remember the time I was about to tell you something in Mcdo? I lied. I didn't want to see you just to say I missed you. All I really wanted to say that time was that I finally realized how much I love you and that I'll swear to God that so many times have I wished I could turn back the hands of time so that I can reciprocate your feelings when you first confessed to me how much you love me. I really love you Gian, ever since that time you told me how much you love me. I was just so afraid that time, but now I can finally face my fears and be able to find my true happiness. I love you very much and I can't anymore let others take you away from me! I love you very much my Gian!"
We were both crying and sobbing as we confessed our feelings for each other. Tears of joy were flowing freely from our eyes as we finally could say that for the longest time, we are now officially a couple.
After we calmed down, I told him I wanted to see him and that we should see each other ASAP. We decided that we meet the next day after our classes so that we can finally talk in person and settle everything.
That night, I felt so light. For the first time, I was able to fall asleep without my pillows getting wet.