Monday, November 29, 2010
Another day had passed which was completed by the usual webcam chat with Alvin. Everyday, I'm starting to learn new things about him. His preferences, his moods, his dislikes, everything. I was like a teenager trying to let someone special sign on his slumbook.
Again, as I was lying on my bed, that's when I'm usually bugged by memories and questions.
After my breakup with Gian (my ex-boyfriend), I had never really been in love again. I like Alvin very much, but I can't help but doubt myself.
What if I haven't actually moved on yet? What if I only feel alone and wanting someone to be there by my side? What if I'm just diverting my feelings towards him which I should've given to Gian?
I was in this state of contemplation when my phone vibrated. As expected, it was from Alvin.
Hey there Mark! How was your dinner? I miss you a lot! I hope someday we could see each other in person. Anyway, as much as I wanted to chat with you, I need to sleep early for I have duty at the hospital tomorrow morning. Good night Mark! Muwah! :*
I quickly replied to his message and told him I hope so too. Actually, I've been really wanting to meet him in person. If only we are not far from each other, I would've set a meeting with him already.
Aside from seeing him in person, all I really wanted is to finally settle my feelings for him. I'd like to know if what I feel for him is love or something else. But again, my fears started to crept in. I don't know if he'll like me once he sees me.
Aside from my imperfections, I'm not confident about myself. That was actually one of my weaknesses. I was never confident. In anything I do, I feel like I'm not giving my best.
I'm afraid of failure and I'm afraid of getting embarrassed.
That was when I remembered Kuya BJ. He was not actually my real brother but I considered him to be one. He used to tell me that I looked good and that I should be confident about myself.
I remembered back then when he usually cheers me up whenever I feel down. He was the type who would always be there for you, ready to support you even if you know you are at the losing end. He will never leave you hanging. He'll stick with you to the bitter end.
I admire Kuya BJ for being the big brother he was to me. I never really had any siblings. When I was young, I used to pray to God before I sleep that he give me a brother or a sister. To be honest, I wanted a big brother. But since that's not possible anymore, I decided to just stop praying for one. But eventually, Kuya BJ came into the picture.
He was not the type whom you'd really give a second look. He looks presentable and neat but just average in appeal. He is older than me by two years but I'm taller than him. Sometimes, when we are walking together, people would even think that I'm the one who is older. Well, I used to get that all the time due to my height (but that was back then).
Kuya BJ and I were doing well that time. We do a lot of things together and we talked, laughed and cried together. He actually lived far from our house, around one and a half hour travel from his place, but he never complained about going to our house.
He would usually do a surprise visit and sometimes, he would even bring me pasalubong. Then he would stay at our house for the rest of the day.
When my father did not go home for the evening, he would usually do a sleepover. Those were the times that I really missed.
One time, while we are walking in the mall, he said something to me that really made me froze.
"Mark, you know I've been your kuya and all, but there is something I've been meaning to tell you all this time."
I was a bit taken aback by this conversation but I wanted to hear what he wanted to say, so I remained silent.
"Uhm, I tried to hide it from you for I know it might ruin the good foundation that we have. I treated you like my little brother for like you, I also wished to have a younger brother."
Kuya BJ has four sisters and not one brother. He told me before that he could've had a brother but he died upon childbirth. When I came into his life, he thought I was the one he had been wishing for all this time. And what made me more special to him was the fact that if his brother had been alive, he would be the same age as I. That was why he probably had given me all the affection that a big brother would give to his long lost younger brother.
"I like you Mark, ever since. At first I thought I wanted you to be my younger brother but the more we spend time together, the more we shared things together, the more I felt different. I felt like I wanted to treat you more than just a brother..."
I stopped walking as I heard him say it. I was stunned. I looked at him and stared as if I'm seeing past through him. I tried to open my mouth but no words came out.
I just continued walking and acted as if we never had the conversation. Kuya BJ just continued walking beside me and remained silent the whole time.
We are both trying to gauge each other. Trying to feel the presence of each other. I didn't expect that what I thought to be a regular bonding moment with my kuya would turn out to be something quite uncomfortable.
That night when I was about to sleep, his words continued to reverberate in my head.
"...I felt like I wanted to treat you more than just a brother..."
With those thoughts in my head, I closed my eyes and a single tear cascaded down my cheeks. Then, I fell asleep.