Tears

Time passed by so quickly. I have never even noticed it. It was that part of May where summer meets the rain. That was when I met him. I was surfing the net when I saw the profile of this young man. He never showed his face but there was something in him which caught my attention. I never usually send messages to strangers but that night was different. I trembled as I typed… “Hi! Can you be my friend? I was hoping that you could give me your mobile number… That is if you don’t mind.” That was the end of the message. I hesitated for awhile until I finally pressed the send button. I waited. A little while. A little longer. I know he will not respond. He will not like me. I got an ugly profile picture and my description sucks. After an hour of waiting, I quickly logged out and I turned off my computer. What was I thinking? I laughed quietly as I lied down on my bed. How could he possibly like me? Am I ready to have a friend? Can he bear to know the truth? All these questions kept running at the back of my head, then, unknowingly, I fell asleep.



I just got back home from school when I opened my iPod for some music. Then, I noticed my laptop. I turned it on and went on the net to check my mail. While typing the address, a website popped out. It was the one where I saw him. I had second thoughts regarding going to the site, but hey, what the heck. I opened it and boom. There was a single message unopened and unread. When I clicked it, a tingling sensation went down my spine. It was from him. He replied. “Sorry for such a late reply. My computer crashed and it took me quite some time to get it fixed. I hope your offer is still on. I would like to be friends with you…xP”. I stared at the monitor for quite some time. I was frozen. I don’t know how to react. Deep inside me, I was happy, but all the while, I’m nervous and confused. Will I be able to start this friendship with a total stranger? Can I handle it? What if… What if I fall? I shook my head and responded. From then on, his next reply included his number so that we can keep in touch wherever and whenever. His name was Ian. And that was the start.

Ian was such a good guy, thoughtful and really caring. I was never wrong with my assumptions. He also sent me pictures of himself and I must admit, he looks good. Days passed by, weeks, months even. Our friendship deepened and we started to get to know each other more. Our likes, our tastes, our personalities. And each passing day, we got closer. Closer up to the point that I kind of got scared. Scared of the fact that I might not be able to handle the situation. It was getting too deep that I’m afraid we might drown. Will this guy be able to take to know the truth about me? Am I being selfish?

As the days go by, my feelings changed towards him. The dreaded moment came. I fell. I fell for him. This was not what I expect it to be. I just need an acquaintance. Someone I could share my thoughts and my feelings with. I never intended to fall… Not even for him. He’ll get hurt. He’ll just blame it all on me. Assumptions, assumptions. I'm getting drowned by too much analysis. I don’t want any of that to happen. I don’t want to ruin our friendship. But this has got to stop. I should not let my feelings get in the way. What’s more important is him and not me. He’s too young for such kind of pain. One evening while we are together, I suddenly blurted it out. I said that I don’t want to see him again and that it’s time to let go. I even told him that I’ll be leaving soon; going somewhere far, somewhere where he won’t be able to find me. I wished him well. He could not bear it. He wanted me to say that it was all a joke. That I was just kidding. That I’m just pulling his leg. But the joke didn’t come. I tried to hide the tears, but they betrayed me. It flowed down my cheeks and I know he saw it. He quickly hugged me and he burst into tears. I felt those hot and piercing droplets of liquid on my shoulder as my own tears fell. I controlled myself and removed his arms from my body. I turned away and said goodbye and ran. I was crying, my heart was pounding as I left him. He tried to ran after me, to catch me, but he tripped. I heard him call my name, but I didn’t stop. He shouted, “No matter how far you go, I’ll find you! This is not the end Jiro!... I…” The voice got muffled as I got farther from him. I want to go away from him as far as possible. I don’t want him to see me crying. I don’t want him to see the weak side of me. I kept on running with no destination in mind. I want to run until my knees and feet get tired. That night, it rained. I was drenched in water, sweat… and tears. It was the night I won’t ever forget, the night I left the one I love.

Days, weeks, months had passed. I left my former apartment and changed my phone number. And since then, I never heard from him, until the most unexpected day came. I was cleaning my room when my chest ached. It was too painful that I can’t bear it. The next thing I knew, I was lying on a white bed with people all dressed in white. I was in a hospital, I thought. So it came. The day I feared the most. The doctor came in. He told me that a guy brought me to the hospital when he saw me lying unconscious on the floor. I got confused. Which man was he talking about? I lived alone. And then I heard what I don’t want to hear. “Sir, here is the result of your tests… you have a weak heart and it cannot possibly be over-worked… You know you aren’t fit for being depressed. Your heart had taken too much… I regret to inform you that your heart had weakened even more… You should undergo a heart transplant or you won’t make it…” I was stunned. I lied on my bed with no facial expression whatsoever. I was looking directly through the wall opposite me. I wanted to scream, but no voice came out my mouth. Until a single tear fell down my cheeks. I can’t stop it, tears started to roll down as his voice continued to reverberate inside my head… “No matter how far you go, I’ll find you! This is not the end Jiro!... I… love you and you know that. I know you feel something for me too…” What was he saying? He’ll get hurt. There’s no sense in loving a dying person. There’s none!

Every day, they’ve searched for a heart that would fit mine, but to no avail. My chest ached a lot and sometimes, I can’t even take it. Until one night, the doctor came rushing in and he told me that they finally found the heart that will perfectly fit. I can’t smile even if my mind said so. The following morning, the operation began. It lasted for almost a day until they finally sent me back to my room. I was unconscious for the longest time. I opened my eyes one day, and I heard the birds chirp happily outside my bedroom. I looked at them from my window and after a month or so, it was the only time I managed to smile. I asked the nurse to get me the newspaper for I want to know what happened to the world when I was unconscious. She smiled and gave one to me. I flipped it open until I saw something… A car accident just near where I live… As I read through the column, my hands trembled with what was written… “A man, 21 years old, residing in Quezon City, was totally devastated after his car crashed into a tree near Del Monte Village. According to the police, the man’s name is Ian Francisco…” Ian… I read on. “Nearby citizens helped the man and took him to the nearest hospital but after a few minutes from arrival, he was announced dead…” I looked at the article with blank expression. “…announced dead…” The nurse looked at me and saw what I was reading, and she said, “Oh, he was the man brought in the evening of the other day. He was bleeding profusely and we were all alarmed. We did our best but we weren’t able to save him…” After he said it, the doctor came in and a tear cascaded down my cheek. I can’t possibly react… Ian died… Without us being able to fix everything. This wasn’t the ending I expected. The doctor smiled at me, not noticing the trace of the tear that fell down. “How are you? The operation was a success.” And then he told me after seeing the newspaper I was holding, “You know, that man in the article, he just saved your life… Well, in exchange for his though…” I didn’t understand the doctor. He just saved my life? Ian? How can that be? “The last night I told you we had found a heart that would fit you, that was also the time when that patient came in. He met a car accident that night and he was really not well. But guess what, he called for me, with shaking voice. I was shocked to see him again. He was the man who brought you here when you fell unconscious. He told me, well, requested me rather that when he dies, his heart should be used for your operation.” I can’t move after what he said. This time, more tears fell down my cheeks. His heart, for me? What was he thinking…? And suddenly I noticed at the end of the article, “…according to the forensic specialist, there were no reasons for the man to crash into the tree because there were no traces of alcohol in his blood, nor any other health reasons which could’ve lead to the accident. The police have concluded that the man might’ve committed suicide and voluntarily hit his car to the tree, but investigation still…” I can’t believe it. I can’t believe any of these. I closed my eyes and thought that everything was just a dream and that soon I will just wake up. This was what I was expecting. But when I opened my eyes, the doctor and the nurse were still looking at me and I’m still holding the newspaper, and the article was still… was still there… He committed… suicide… just… for me… The newspaper was drenched in tears as I thought about everything that happened. Ian, I love you more than you’ll ever know. And now, I have lost you… But now I know how much you loved me… You sacrificed yourself just for me, and I can’t bear the pain of not being with you just to save me. But you left something… something that I will take care for the rest of my life… you left me your heart… And with this, we are one. My heartbeat is perfectly synchronized with yours… And from now on, you will always be here with me. Guiding me… Helping me live my life. Still, tears kept rushing down my face. I will never forget you Ian, my friend, my lover… my true love… Until we meet again… Good bye...

~fin~